Two Rape Dreams And Their New context

TRIGGER WARNING: These dreams contain graphic and violent images, sometimes sexual, all within the context of non consent and rape.

This blog post is dedicated to the full description of two complex and thorough nightmares about being raped. You will find the dream as I wrote it down then along with my comments in parenthetial italics to clarify. The unconscious mind speaks symbolically. I now understand these dreams were not about being sexually violated, but physically violated by doctors, synthetic drugs to treat my epilepsy, and my seizures themselves.

These are the last two I had before the dreams stopped completely.

Dream 1

I had been raped over 200 times.

There were people from positions of authority. They were in my school. I was in high school or my freshman year of college. I was trying to tell my mom. Tell anyone. (At some point the drugs I was taking started creating suicidal ideation, and would have dramatic impacts on my personality for years; I didn’t want to be on them, and kept trying to stop taking them)

DEL, that was the name of the first video I ever took of myself being raped. It was the younger man. At this point I was well trained and I didn’t fight for very long before just letting it happen.

There were 4 of them. Three men and a woman. One of the men was very sadistic and at some point in the dream was waving a cock around with rubber bands tied tight around the balls and he wanted me to snap them.

They would show up in my classroom and show up in unexpected places around my college campus. (it seems to me like “They” is seizures; the seizures I would randomly have while trying to put myself through school)

The words DEL were letters I was led to believe were mine that I wrote on that video because I thought the video was going to be for a college course I was taking but that fell through when I was raped. (I dropped out of college because I had a 90 minute long seizure that literally killed me; when I came back to life, school seemed pretty far out of the question)

I was trying to show people but I didn’t know who to trust because there were so many people in on it. (Western medical system in it’s entirety wouldn’t believe that I was conscious during my seizures, and even declared my seizures “idiopathic” at some point - as in, having only psychological cause)

I finally did. Finally told someone not in on it, that didn’t make my situation worse. There was some sort of underground swamp. A swamp with snakes everywhere and alligators. The snakes kept attaching themselves to me but they weren’t actually biting, more like… sticking to me. More like leeches. (Eventually I found a doctor that took my claims seriously, at Swedish Epilepsy Center in Seattle)

I was down there with someone else, a young couple, someone I believed I could trust. They were introducing me to a new way. A way out. It was primal, yes, and involved living with these swamp people. (I believed with certainty that I could heal my epilepsy through elemental magic and meditation)

I tried to tell my mom about the rapes but she didn’t respond how I expected her to. I had these videos and eventually I let someone watch all of them (Clearly my mom didn’t respond as though I had been raped; she, like everyone else in the modern world, enforced the idea that the drugs were a good thing.)

I was later trapped into a trailer house with deep blue walls. I thought it was attached to some form of educational building but when I opened the door to the room I was in, there was my rapists in there, inside this blue trailer. One of them, the lady, told me that I had to change it green. That right now the trailer was blue and that my job was to paint it green. That I could do this, she knew it, that I had to fill every bit of dark blue with green. And then my attacker slammed the door closed.

We were chased… or chasing… there was running outside along a pier. There had been lots of controversy at this point as I started telling people about the rapes, people that were actually listening, and now someone was running on this pier and I knew if I got caught it would be the worst it had been. (I spent years after my 90 minute seizure looking for help; people started to believe that I was conscious during my seizures and also that my seizures were coming from a real place. Unfortunately, the process of declaring my seizures “intractable” would involve going on MANY MORE synthetic drugs. For years. To prove that they could not control the seizures.)

Some other time I am in a school and it is after they have stopped but I am pretending to be some student in a school now. Sometimes even I forget that I am pretending until wer aer all dismissed to go to class and all of my peers (some kind of medical profession) wander up the stairs and into classrooms and I follow one student down the stairs as if I’m going to class myself, but when I get down there there’s only an empty wall, no door. That’s when I remember that the whole thing is a lie, I’m not a student, I’m not actually like these people, I just wish I was. I’m just the victim of years of psychological manipulation.

Eventually they were caught. Two of them got away with it. Two of them didn’t. I wasn’t safe ever again as long as they were free, because their ability to convince other people of their innocence was powerful. More powerful than my ability to convince them of their guilt.

I feel like I’m going to throw up.

Feelings in this dream include panic, fear, planning, frustration at breakdown of communication, terror when I would think I would be rid of them and there they would be again, somewhere innocuous, like they owned my whole life. (This is exactly how I felt about having the seizures and being forced into a western medical system that was not serving me)

Dream 2

It was a younger guy that had raped me. He had beat the shit out of Ryan (my partner) too, stabbed him full of piercings and electrical cords and carved something into his chest, “SHAME” and “LOSER”But he had raped me, and the damage he did to me was so much greater. Ryan didn’t even understand how great it was. I had thouands or millions of needles in my body -- they were in my skull, going deep down into my brain, they were all through my lips. He had pierced me with my lip ring and a belly button ring and a piercing on my ankle. He seemed so nice. He was always helping everyone out. So kind. He didn’t leave me alone after he raped me, he just kept coming back.

Needles in my eyeballs, needles in my skull, needles in my elbow, in my ears. I guess I had been drunk when it happened but I didn’t remember having been drinking. just that everything was going black. Everyone seemed to be on his side.

Ryan was in the beginning of the dream but then it was just me alone.

Just me alone, fighting for my life… this guy wanted to kill me, but he especially wanted to fill me with holes. Every time he’d find me again he’d smash new needles into my body, thousands and thousands of thin acupuncture like needles, sticking into my eyelid and eyeball, some of them tied in knots. (I believe the needles represent the damage synthetic drugs were doing to my body, and also the energetic holes that seizures were leaving in my system)

But I also kept taking them out. I took the needles out of my skin and out of my mouth, but for some reason left the piercings there for now… they were familiar after all… the ones in my brain and deep in my ear and eyeball I hesitated about removing, not knowing what the terrible consequences might be, fearing I needed help of some kind but not knowing who I could possibly ask for help. They all seemed to love him.

Adn then I found out he had punched out all of my teeth and then tied them back into my skull with floss. There were knots and ropes of floss, and my lips were stuck to my teeth… and I had no idea how I was even going to begin to remove those. I needed help. (Though teeth symbolize nourishment, and I believe that is relevant here, the drugs I was taking would also cause osteopenia and deprive my body of all bone density, including wrecking my dental health)

Eventually I found some ladies in a room I snuck into to get away. It had been frantic this whole time, there was a crew of friends that were also friends with this guy that expected me to hang out and be present all the time, and they didn’t seem to realize that I still had all these electrical cords and needles left in my body -- I had obviously removed the most visible needles first. (My life before woo woo - a bunch of people who believed I should be on more medication, or have a machine implanted into my body)

And everyone expected me to just act normal, like I was just okay, and so I couldn’t trust anyone for help. (This experience of pretending to be normal pervaded my young life - always with an invisible disability I was trying to “pass” and keep going, pretending my seizures and epilepsy didn’t exist)

I had wandered into this room to remove some more of the needles, ones stuck in more private / less visible areas, a bathroom,

and there were women in there. Women that helped me, although they also seemed to want to have some sort of romantic connection with me… but nonetheless they helped me take some of the needles out, and then complimented the “cord coming out of the middle of my head” and I said “WHAT?! I didn’t even know that was there” and I felt around my skull and found that there was, indeed, a cord knotted to my skull.

She liked it and thought it was an accessory piece

I knew I was damaged forever.
(I don’t now wonder if this cord is an energetic wound to crown chakra, one that I worked on healing intentionally around this time period)

Later, as I continue trying to get all the needles out (but literlaly am just leaving the teeth for now because what the fuck am I supposed to do about that?) I get on an airplane, stow away style, and I run. I think, you know, I’ll be safe if I can get really fucking far away from this man. (Always I was running - from my home town, from the doctors, from the medical system, from my college… I even moved completely off the grid in Alaska trying to avoid dealing with this problem)

But then it turns out the airplane pilot is also in league with the guy that raped me. When I get out of my stowed position and see who is in the plane, I realize I’m totally fucked. I play it cool, like I don’t know they are in league, and then I start tryign to convince them to turn back. I realize now that my running is going to take me right into his sadistic arms instead of away from them. (Of course, all that travel I was doing would prove even more stressful on my body, with the drugs and the seizures ultimately creating detrimental health situations for me)

I watch us fly over a waterfall and he says, “We can’t go back, we’re past the threshhold; no turning back from here” I look down and I see this amazing community fishing village down below on the edges of the river, that we are flying over in this bush plane, and I think… I could jump. Into the river. Maybe this village will save me. (This is clearly my time in McCarthy, AK)

I’m worried about getting back to Ryan, my protector, the only person who can or will protect me… since it now seems I can’t escape him. Maybe I do jump. Somehow the scene shifts and I’m talking to my mother. My mother is pulling more needles out of me while I explain about this guy finally, after all this time. I show her a letter he wrote. We read the letter, it's a letter telling me that he has done all of this because I’m the worst kind of therapist.

My mom scorns me for taking on a patient like him, but I never took him on as a patient, nor am I a therapist. He is deeply mistaken all the way around about what I am and what I was trying to do for him, but it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. I can’t change his thoughts. This is what he thinks and he will keep filling me up with needles and cords until I die.

Some tendrils that I'm left with: he violently stabbed all of these needles into me and I walked around SMILING and people thought I must be DRUNK (Super fucked up on too many medications which everyone in America thought was just normal)

Twan was there at some point, one of the people completely convinced I was drunk when actually I had just been shot up with poison and filled to the brim with inanimate objects (clearly drugs drugs drugs, all pharmaceutical poison)

The visceral sensation of pulling the needle out of my left brain above my left ear. It was smashed all the way in and I was scared to death to remove it but as I did I started feeling energy flow there. (Eventually the craniotomy in 2015 would remove the source of my seizures; but this was in the right lateral area of my brain)

My eyelids were connected to my eyeballs and my lips were connected to my gums. I could neither see nor speak properly. (The drugs would take away my speech, and clearly my perspective was skewed as well)

When he found out about the lady in the bathroom that helped me, he threatened to torture her as well. This left me feeling like anyone else I might seek help from would also be gruesomely punished and of course, Ryan my protector already had been.

I went back to sleep and dreamed that Ryan and I were moving in to a new place with maybe some woman we were sleeping with. I got this weird intuition that going here to this super overly neat and tidy place was going to lead to the same thing happening, bit it didn't make any sense. So I fought my own instincts and went forward into this place and sure enough, the same series of events would start to unfold in front of me… a bunch of people moving in, lots of roommates, very crowded, charming well liked guy that was about to rape me…

And I understood, this was my destiny. This was meant to happen. It was important. So I could learn to remove the needles.