Raped by Seizures and Synthetics: A healing story
I've had nightmares of getting raped for over 20 years.
For over 20 years, at least every couple of months, I would have another one of these nightmares. Elaborate dreams of getting raped and captured, seeking help, not being believed by those close to me. Always different.
For over 20 years, I've hypothesized I may have been molested or raped at a young age.
Recently (as in about 2 days ago) I noticed the rape dreams had stopped.
Last night, I was gifted a new sort of nightmare.
In this nightmare, I was captured and forced to receive many different drugs. For a long time, my body would betray me under the influence of them. I had no control over my body and these people, my enemies, kept changing it without my wish. The experience was true torture, torture that left me feeling violated and unable to trust myself.
I escaped – I ran away and found a door that looked like a wall. I hid behind it while my captors destroyed everything in sight looking for me. Eventually they left. When I opened the door again there was a kind loving family ready to receive me in healing. When they asked what happened to me, I told them I was raped. I was, really, though not in the traditional sense... and it seemed simpler to express it this way. When I said I was raped, I believed the words and so kept the story up.
I woke up understanding that my rape dreams were not about some sort of specifically sexual violence. They were about the violence of my epilepsy and the ensuing treatment. They were about having my body abused by western medicine at such a young age (3) and having no say in what was done to me.
It's clear from an objective perspective that a lifetime of seizures and synthetic chemicals would be incredibly traumatic.
And yet, when it's your lived normal experience, it can be hard to see. In all of the healing I've endeavored into, I've yet to stumble onto this obviously giant wound.
7 years post-craniotomy and seizure free, 5 years off of the awful horrible drugs, this dream was my body's way of saying to me, “I'm ready to look at this and let it heal”
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I spent my morning going over the last few rape dreams I had with this new context. It all suddenly seems so clear. If you're interested in how my dreams were trying to express to me the heinous violence of having uncontrolled seizures throughout my first 27 years of life, with 24 of those years being under the thumb of a truly useless medical system and no doctor willing to hear my truth or my wishes, I'm uploading a few of these dreams to my website. You can check them out here
