The healing power of projection
Projection is the mind’s action towards integration.
Us humans are complex creatures, fractals of universal consciousness, and the deeper we go within ourselves the deeper the space we occupy becomes.
The work of alchemical integration - removing illusioned thinking, making the unconscious conscious, and generally embodying whole self - is the work of facing all that lives internally
And yet this process is not automatic to the brain. Our survival tends to be focused on the external. Our ease of focus is on what is external to us until we exist in a sometimes tumultuous relationship between what’s within (A thing we tend to label “emotions”) and what’s without.
One of the amazing ways our psyche aids us in becoming more whole while still focusing on the external is through the simple and amazing act of PROJECTING
Projecting is where I perceive a thing that is WITHIN ME as coming from OUTSIDE OF ME.
Allow me to offer an example:
My boss tells me he’d like to see me complete a few extra projects this week. Through the magical art of the Reticular Activating System (learn more here)
I combine his words with his body language, I distort, generalize, and delete information, and by the time I’m driving home the story in my head looks something like “I can’t believe my boss doesn’t think my work is valuable.”
When I am projecting, I don’t and cannot separate what was externalized by someone else and what was internalized by me. Those things feel like THE EXACT SAME THING, but as in the above example we can see
What was externalized by boss: “Could you add a few extra projects?”
What was internalized by me: “Your work is not/has not been valuable enough for what I pay you, so I need you to compensate by doing more of it”
We can see pretty clearly that these are not the same thing. What’s the difference?
The difference is that all the stuff that was inside of me, most likely unbeknownst to me, mixed with the raw template of my boss’ ask.
Notably, we have found that humans are more likely to project onto more neutral canvas’. So, the more deadpan your boss was in making this ask, the more likely your own projections would get added to it. This may be part of the reason why humans get so dramatic with the way they engage with each other.
Why? Why does my brain project the secret wounds inside me onto the people around me?
The answer is simple: So you will fucking deal with them.
That’s right. If we aren’t actively facing down our own unconsciously held beliefs, repressed wounds, and difficult and uncomfortable hurts, our brain will paste them onto someone else’s face so that we HAVE to confront it.
This means that the way we navigate our relationships directly relates to the way we navigate our own internal relationship.
Unfortunately that might also mean that if I do not deal with my own wounds compassionately, then I won’t be very compassionate to someone I see projecting those wounds back to me.
If I never choose to face the truth that these stories are coming from within me, I will live my whole life having my most painful wounds falsely confirmed by those around me.
How do we deal with projection?
There is one very simple step that can really help us to NOTICE when we are projecting and respond a bit kinder to those we’ve projected onto. This step is to ask the question, “What story am I telling myself about this?”
By separating the STORY I am telling from the FACTS of the incident, we can notice where we are filling in the blanks. It’s very helpful here to notice that the STORY is usually linked to emotions in the body. When something is roiling around in there feeling alive, it’s helpful to notice
First - the emotions; what am I feeling and where am I feeling it?
Second - the story: what am I telling myself about what happened? Is it true? Can I know it’s true?
Third - the facts; hopefully my inquiry brought me back to “Well here is what actually happened” but this time with the emotions and stories removed.
The emotions and stories are YOURS and yours alone. The facts are shared. From here it’s important we practice SELF EMPATHY and then in relationship we can choose to ask for empathy and also clarification.
