The Experience of Integrating
What does Alchemical Integration actually look and feel like?
Alchemical Integration - the uniting of the unconscious and the conscious minds - is something talked about as a goal but rarely as a state of being. This is what it’s like for me:
It is the experience of having all of my childhood memories, long forgotten or repressed due to the trauma’s buried within, come rushing back.
Sitting in my home, staring out the window at the changing fall leaves, feeling, for the first time in my life, a thread of connection from right now back all the way to the moment I was born.
When you’re living with trauma, your timeline feels choppy and disconnected. The experience of being alive is a story told sometimes from first person, sometimes third, and sometimes as a eulogy. Everything is disconnected from everything else, due largely to the dissociation but also because actual huge pieces of memory go missing, or become inaccessible.
As I integrate, one of the most profound impacts has been the way the story has become cohesive. I was born. I lived in a place. I suffered. I left. I repeated a cycle. For the first time in my life, at 34 years old, the book everyone’s been telling me to write for 10 years feels like it could be possible because finally, there’s a plot line.
Alchemical integration feels like validating the experience my teenage self was having, even though she was pretty toxic to the people around her, and my older wiser self has determined many of her beliefs to be “wrong”
It feels like my inner child speaking up on the regular, and asking for things.
My memories show up in my mind and in my body, but without CHARGE - there’s no sense of re-traumatization, no unbearable sensation I must escape from. Instead, they inform a greater wisdom. These memories show up and allow my body to respond more efficiently, with a greater possibility of success, to each situation I encounter. And while I’m responding successfully, I also find that life’s great harms largely wash right off of me.
Alchemical Integration means that my intuition is at an all time high, and my sense of channeling something greater than myself grows every day.
I notice my own super powers escalating to radical heights, especially in communion with others, and this has come with a deep sense of inner trust and worth.
It feels like a body that is disconnected from the egoic identity of a thing, and so can reckon in real time with WHAT IS.
It feels like resilience - my body going into fight or flight response when it’s appropriate, and back out easily, all while giving me cues how I can best support this process.
It feels like uncontrollably powerful manifestation power. From the simple to the profound, I am able to NOTICE my true desires (including the crummy ones, that I don’t CONSCIOUSLY want, but am clearly aware I unconsciously do) and also notice how they are manifesting right in front of my eyes.
This can mean manifesting the failure of a project I’m on, or a sudden powerful influx of money and wealth. The unique part isn’t that I’m manifesting my reality - we are all doing that - it’s that I’m able to notice distinctly the desire that brought my reality into being, even if it’s not one I consciously identify with.
This also means I have so much more control over it. When those desires antithetical to my conscious goals show up, I’m able to address them and offer them to myself in ways that don’t have to wreck my entire reality.
And lastly, I feel POWERFUL - like I have access to a way larger percentage of my own human resources, and they are god-like. My life now largely runs on the autopilot of my own unconscious mind - the beautiful neurodivergent ADHD superpowers roll me forward on my own inspiration better than any discipline I’ve ever cultivated.
I’m on a journey, not yet having reached “the goal” whatever that is - and this is what that journey looks like for me.
This is a journey I take all of my clients on; my work serves as a vision quest initiation into the profound techniques of continued personal integration and sovereignty. If you are ready to delve into yourself and your journey this way, so your life can blossom into the shape it was designed to take (instead of the shape a fucked up oppressive system groomed it into), message me. I’ve got one spot available for my 12 week ReWilding Journey now.
