My vibrator Showed me my will wasn’t unified
My vibrator helped me realize my will was not unified…
It’s been a somewhat hellacious holiday period. Repeating the same damn songs year after year after year is a recipe for triggering trauma. I would argue that the holiday season is one of the most poignant for resurfacing childhood trauma, and suicide statistics agree with me.
But that’s not the point. The point is, things have felt burdensome. Indeed, I had begun to feel trapped by a series of life circumstances that felt beyond my control: My partner had to take a job that keeps us stuck in one place, and we’ve been living in an RV inside a city for months while the options seem to narrow in on us. And everything’s just been breaking.
Now, I am a wizard of the unconscious and so I knew from the beginning that if I was feeling trapped, there was some mindset work I needed to do… but I couldn’t seem to see what it was.
I spent weeks balancing my body’s request for rest with the launch of my brand new alchemical community, Spirit Sanctorium, and struggling to get on top of the looming depression that was poking its head out and peering at me.
The universe obliged me by sending a massive polar vortex, freezing the pipes in my RV and exploding the oil cooler in our diesel engine. I found myself stuck in a 28 foot RV with my beautiful partner, freezing cold temperatures, and not a lot that I could do about it.
Even once things thawed, somehow the entrapment got worse: the vehicle’s repair requirements were numerous, we were running out of supplies in the RV and the repair had to fall outside of my partner’s demanding work hours.
I became desperate for a sense of ease and release. And something weird started happening… I started plateau-ing orgasms.
I was merrily masturbating alone in my bedroom, just about to reach that AHA breakthrough moment. All the sensations in my body rose to meet the occasion and…
My vibrator died.
Well, not died, exactly. Oddly, it just… turned off, and was able to be turned right back on. Like some mysterious electrical force had caused a glitch in the matrix.
The next day while having sex the same sensation - I’m almost there, it’s totally happening and… it’s over.
My partner noticed: “You didn’t orgasm, right? I’m sorry to hear that. It’s clear you’ve been super frustrated…”
When we decided to give things another try, it happened a THIRD TIME - the magical, voice-of-the-universe vibrator suddenly turned off at the moment of climax.
Clearly, a part of me deeply desired to stay stuck.
Here’s where we see the power of the work:
I spent some time laying the problem out on the table. I started to play with this feeling of being trapped, and my good friend Julie helped me notice two parts at war with each other:
Hardcore - My “Toughen up, Buttercup” side. This is the most hardcore survivalista within me. She can endure anything. She has endured 26 broken bones, overcome starvation, hypothermia, homelessness… and generally turns difficult situations into a graceful endurance sport.
Hardcore desired to prove her value by enduring, enduring, enduring this situation. Hardcore thought I was a pussy for thinking this was something worth getting my panties in a bunch about.
Hardcore was at war with
Damsel - My “Oh woe is me” side; my damsel in distress. She feels like everything is happening to her and that she is completely and totally incapable of doing anything at all to change it. Furthermore, she SHOULDN’T be the one to change it, because that would deny others the opportunity to validate her by rescuing her.
Damsel wanted my partner to fix the problems without me asking, and was generally coaxed into a full freeze response.
I released both of these parts and let them have their say. They ranted and raved and cried about the situation at hand, and I gave them unreasonable approval through every step of the way.
Then something amazing happened.
The truck was fixed.
Within an hour of integrating both of these parts to my will, I was at a grocery store acquiring toilet paper and food.
By the end of the day, my partner had done all the laundry while I successfully finished the project I had been stuck on.
And in less than 24 hours, as in, about an hour ago, in came a new job offer that would mobilize our woes and help us move back into the nomadic lifestyle we’ve cultivated for ourselves.
When I used my vibrator again, it hummed merrily along all through that aha moment as though nothing had ever happened.
When I call this work magic, I’m not talking about the magic of ritual and spells. I’m talking about the magic of your very essence propelling you to the life of your dreams.
This is the work that I do. Unleash the unconscious so that, with a unified will, all your obstacles will fall right out of your path.
Are you interested in experiencing this kind of breakthrough for yourself? I’m currently accepting new clients: You can learn more and schedule here
